The morning of the 8th (Monday) our heater broke. My grandma was sweet enough to take me to the hospital while Justin fixed it and my mom watched the kids. I remember going into the hospital with complete dread. I did NOT want to be there. My Dr. came in around 8am and broke my water and I visited with my grandma for a few hours until Justin arrived. It was a great visit, I really love my grandma Libberton. Not to long after Justin came my aunts Jen & Jules came to visit. We turned on the NCIS marathon (in honor of baby Jethro and LeRoy Jethro Gibbs) and visited. We had so much fun! They really helped the time pass. My other labors had gone really fast, and this time things were going slower. The anastesiologist, who was the same one with all my children, and all my children's surgeries at the UBMC gave me a spinal block. It only worked about 30 minutes. My aunts left to get some food and the nurse checked me, I was at an 8. She asked me to move alittle and said I need to call the Dr. the baby is not in the right spot and left the room. Right after she left I felt it, a gush of blood. I instinctually knew it was blood, I told Justin, he looked and ran to get the nurse. The second Justin walked out of the room I was in more pain than I had ever been in in my life. I grabbed the side of the bed and things after that just got worse. The nurse said it was probably just because of a fast change from an 8 to a 9 and that the baby was coming soon. But I knew, I knew something was wrong I told Justin to ask my aunts not to come back. The Dr. walked in right after that, she told him what had happened and they got everything ready to deliver the baby. Jet & Joey were both vaginal deliveries, the epidurals didn't work, so I had done this before and knew what it felt like. When it was time for me to push I was so in much pain. I remember thinking that the pain was about 100 times worse than with the other boys. After that the strangest thing happened, I couldn't really think at all. I could feel something was wrong, but I couldn't express it, I couldn't think. They were telling me to push and I just kept saying I can't, I can't. I could tell everyone was frustrated with me, but I really felt like I couldn't push. The next contraction I did push, and the baby was born. I felt like I was going to die as he was being born it was so painful, so much worse than my other deliveries, and I screamed the whole time the baby was being born. Jethro was born at 4:43pm. They put the baby on my chest and I was able to calm down but I was still in so much pain. With my other boys once the baby was delivered I remember there was a feeling of relief. The pain from the contractions were gone, but the relief never came. Every time someone touched me I jumped and I kept saying it hurts, it hurts so bad. I still couldn't think or express anything. I started bleeding, once again I instinctually knew it was blood. I said my ears are ringing and someone said do you want me to take the baby? Your ears are ringing because your going to pass out. I said yes and they took Jethro from me. Next I told them I was going to throw up, they grabbed a bucket, and I did throw up. Things got really fuzzy after that. I was loosing a lot of blood fast, the nurse was pushing on my stomach to stop the bleeding. I was yelling in pain every time she did. The Dr. said if the bleeding doesn't stop we are going to have to do a D&C. I felt relief, I had had a D&C before and I knew it wasn't that bad of a surgery. The nurses were weighing the pads of blood and coming back with how much blood I had lost. Luckily I couldn't think, to actually know how much blood I had lost but I did know it was a lot. Next the Dr. said if the bleeding doesn't stop we are going to have to do a hysterectomy. My heart sunk, I knew that I would need a hysterectomy. I knew that meant no more children. Anyone that knows me knows I have always dreamed of having a big family, I wanted 6 or more children, I wanted to give Justin, Jax, & Jet the girl they had always dreamed of. I told Justin to call his mom I wanted someone I trusted with Jethro, so he did. My mom had my other 3 boys and I felt safest with her taking care of them. The anesthesiologist came in the room, and they the started running blood and fluids through me. I started to feel better as they ran through, the anesthesiologist told me they were taking me to the main OR room just because it is already set up. I honestly don't remember anything else he said to me. At that point I was just trying not to pass out. They were about to wheel me back to surgery when Justin said wait we are going to give her a blessing. My father in law Lynn walked in the room and they gave me a blessing. I don't remember anything that was said in the blessing either. I was having flash backs though, Lynn had given me a blessing when I was coming out of anesthea when Jax was born. I was having flash backs to Jax's birth and trying to figure out what was going on. They wheeled me back to surgery and I just cried the whole way, it felt like eternity being wheeled to the surgery room. I had no idea if I would ever wake up again. I was terrified, worried about my boys. The Dr. asked what was wrong, all I could say was I don't know. The Dr. said to the anesthesiologist this is why people don't have babies at home. He responded oh I know people and their crazy water births. They told me I would feel a pinch in my neck and then fall asleep, I felt the pinch, and then I was asleep. I was in surgery for 4 hours. They came out and told Justin I had lost a lot of blood and that I might not make it through surgery. My awesome brother Josh and his wife Whitney showed up at my Mom's house and offered to watch the kids so my mom could go to the hospital. They all sat up there and waited while I was in surgery. I lost all the blood in my body and we later learned it was because when I went from an 8 to a 9 my uterus ruptured. If I wouldn't have listened to those promptings, to have the baby on the 8th and be induced ( I did NOT want to be induced) I might not have lived.
The next thing I remember is hearing my Mom's voice. I could tell she was crying. I heard her say, "You just had a beautiful baby, girl." I had to think about it she must of meant comma girl because I know I had a boy. I started fighting to open my eyes, but I couldn't. I couldn't open them. I couldn't move. I was fighting so hard I wanted to open my eyes and say, "I'm here! I'm okay!" I then heard my mother in law say, "Her eyes are fluttering she can hear you." I then realized that not only could I not move but that I wasn't breathing. It was HORRIFYING. I had no idea if I was even alive in that moment. Luckily I fell asleep right after that. Awhile later I heard 2 nurses talking. One said, "How many kids does she have?" Another nurse responded, "3 or 4." And the first nurse said, "Well I am glad she got her family in before all this happened." One more time through the night I heard the nurse, I was thrashing my head trying to wake up. I heard him say, "Your going to loose." If you know me, I don't ever give up so of course I kept thrashing my head. He told me several times your going to loose this fight. I heard him again this time close to me and he said, "I told you would loose." and then I was asleep. I remember sometime through the night hearing someone say something about a venelator and they keep people asleep so they won't rip it out, but that's everything I remember from that night.
I woke up the next morning (Tuesday) at 7am in ICU. It was honestly the most beautiful thing. I woke up happy and with an overwhelming gratitude that I was alive! I knew I had cheated death and I was so grateful the baby was okay. I did not touch that venelator because I knew in order to stay awake I had to leave it alone. The nurse handed me a white board and I wrote Justin on it. She asked if he was my husband. I nodded Yes. Justin was in the room with me really fast. The last month of my pregnancy everyone had been taking bets on when the next baby would come. Justin came in the room and I wrote on the white board: Tell everyone they are wrong we aren't having more children. I'm not going to lie, it brought me joy to write that. It was my way of telling Justin I knew what had happened, I was okay. Obviously I was my same sarcastic self. Justin's dad had predicted a few years back we would have 4 boys, just like they did. So I then wrote: Tell your dad he was right, we get 4 boys like them. My dad text Justin and said he needed to come visit me while the venelator was still in so I couldn't mouth off. I thought it was hilarious. I was grateful the spirit had told me the baby was okay in the months before he was born up until that moment. Honestly Jethro being okay is what had gotten me through it all. I remember looking at Jax in NICU wishing and feeling guilty that it was him not me. I was so grateful that Jethro was ok and that it was me this time. I was also grateful that the spirit had let me know I had a hysterectomy. I knew nobody in my family would want to break my heart with that news. I text my mom to make sure my boys were doing good, and I thought of my sweet friend Lynsey. She had been in California for her birthday visiting her parents. She has anxiety and I knew she would be freaking out. I hurry and texted her Hey! and continued to text her. They took me off the venelator not to long after I woke up. Those things are awful, like really awful. The spirit stayed with me through out the whole day. My mom or Justin sat with me most of the day until Lynsey's plane landed and she got to the hospital, then Lynsey sat with me. I continued to make good progress.
At around 11am they let me go to OB to see the baby. When I was trying to move from the wheel chair to the bed I passed out. I was still so weak. I got to hold the baby for a minute and then had to go back to ICU. That night my Dr. came in and said I still need blood. They gave 2 Liters of blood. Which meant I had 8 liters of blood given to me total. It took til just before 3:30am for the blood transfusion to finish and then they took me to OB to be with my baby. Lynsey stayed the night with me that night and helped me. I couldn't take care of the baby by myself that night. It felt so good to be back with Jethro again. He was wide awake when we were reunited and I felt like he knew who I was. That I was his mom and he had been waiting for that moment also.
Wednesday I continued to do well and had many visitors. I loved seeing all my family and friends. I would try and name everyone who helped us or visited, but I know I would forget someone! My sweet friend Tabitha watched my kids that night also. I don't know how I would have done all of this with out Justin, and my mom and dad. They were there for me every step of the way and always helping with the kids. My mom is my spiritual rock, I am so blessed to have her. That day I was able to walk around, even shower. My boys came and saw me that day. Oh how I had missed them, 2 days with out them was way to long. I was so happy with my progress and that night I was able to stay and take care of the baby by myself. Thursday was filled with more family and friends visiting. My Dr. came in that night around 7pm. He came in every morning and night, and I have to say, he worked a lot of hours while I was in the hospital! He told me I could go home. After only 3 days. A normal hysterectomy stay is 3 days. I was so happy to get home. Things were hard when I got home I could walk but that was about it. I was SO tired all the time and had no strength. About a week after I had been home my Grandma & Grandpa Lee, Grandma Libberton, my friend Anne Marie Miles and my mom came and cleaned my house. They scrubbed everything I was so grateful.
Once I got home I felt like the reality of what had happened began to sink in. I had to deal with the heart break of not being able to have more children. My heart was truly broken. I would never have a daughter, My mom, Justin, Jax & Jet all waned me to be able to have a girl and I felt like I had let them down in such a big way. We chose not to tell the boys what had happened til I got home. Jax has anxiety and he would of not been able to handle it if he knew I was hurting. We told them we couldn't have more kids. My sweet Jaxton said to me, "Maybe Heavenly Father and Jesus will change their mind." I wanted to cry. I wished Jax was right. I had to tell him that it's not possible that they took the part out of my body that carries the baby. I knew that I might not ever understand why I had to go through what I did and I was okay with that. I just prayed to the Lord that I could accept and be okay with what happened. The answer to my prayers came 3 weeks later in the form of a conference talk. In the talk it spoke of the Savior and how he asked the Lord if the cup could pass. He asked the Lord if there be any other path let me take it. I realized there was a time when the Lord's will wasn't what the Savior wanted to do. But the Savior being perfect allowed his will to be swallowed up by the will of the father. Because of what the Savior did we now have the atonement. Christ suffered unimaginable pain. It was not easy, and there was so much suffering but it was also followed by JOY! UNIMAGINABLE JOY! I knew that that was the answer to my prayers. That I needed to let the atonement heal and submit to the will of the father.
I think my aunt Michelle answered my prayers in a way also. She told my grandma that she felt bad for me and she felt bad for what happened to me, but at least I knew what the Lord had planned for me. It hit me hard when I heard that. She was right. I knew. I realized that although this was hard, the Lord was saving me from future pain and suffering. Because of Michelle's comment I have been able to find so much joy and comfort in knowing the Lord's plan for me. And like my Mom had told me, the Lord will bless me because I was willing to have more children and expand my family. My testimony has grown so much through this. I can now move forward with my life and focus on getting my boys on their missions. I am now 5 weeks out from all of this. I am grateful for my experience to draw nearer to the Lord. I have learned so much about the atonement. I know that all of us can find peace and joy through atonement & listening to the spirit.
Feb. 10th first family photo
Feb. 9th on the venelator
Reunited with baby!
Jethro the day he was born.
Feb. 11th Jethro coming home in the same outfit as his brothers!
Newborn photos.
My boys. My world. Love.
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